Was at friends' wedding this weekend and had a moment of momentary inspiration. The missus tends to abuse the fact that I play with words for a living (well, an attempt at a living) and buys cards for all occassions that do not have writing in them, just so I can scribble something.... the pressure. Anyway, while at the wedding, these words made their presence felt:
i inhale her the way only lovers can
and exhale into her
deep within her
we are siamese twins
connected by love's umbilical cord
recipients of a life force like no other
none have loved
the way we love
and none shall love so deeply again
we consume each other daily
oblivious to all that is trivial
we are love
i inhale her the way only lovers can
and exhale into her
deep within her
we are siamese twins
connected by love's umbilical cord
recipients of a life force like no other
none have loved
the way we love
and none shall love so deeply again
we consume each other daily
oblivious to all that is trivial
we are love
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2 comments:
none have loved
the way we love
and none shall love so deeply again
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I tend to agree with one other commenter who suggested cutting your poem at a certain point, and I tend to disagree with the same commenter , too.
It is true that suddenly the reader is told things. "None shall love so deeply again" is an example.
In my view, there's nothing inherently wrong with the verse. It is the descriptive adverb that botches things up a bit. The writer's "deeply" may not be mine, in which case I will not feel the writer's message. Something like "None will love that way again" would have done it for me, and for most other readers, it seems to me.
Keep writing, o ba otle ka mantsoe ao a hao!
Both Roy and Thami are right. What Roy suggests is extrememly important for those of us who write creatively. It is even important for those who write, full-stop. Craft. It is important for the good football player, for the brilliant painter and for the mesmerising dancer.
Michael Jackson spends hours on end in front of a mirror, choosing this move and discarding that one. Watch him dance, you'll see what I mean.
My request? Don't stop, but work at it like crazy. Your spontaneity is good. Work can only make it excellent.
Cheers.
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