Tuesday, March 18, 2008

ramblings - painful questions

This is a ramblings in its purest form.  It is about 04:40am, I literally haven't slept in four days, and it doesn't look like I'm going to get to bed in another five to six hours ..... wondering how far is too far?  How far can one take the body before it becomes too much?  What would be considered truly beyond the call of duty? How much does one give of oneself for an ideal? Is there a cut off point? A point where you say, "okay, I tried."
Growing up, I was taught that you work hard.  As I grew older, I learnt that you need to work smart too.  Yet I find myself constantly driven by the need to work harder.  It was easier when I was alone, when I didn't have a family, but now ..... It is that same family that makes me want to work harder. I wonder. 
How does one find the necessary balance? 
My son literally hasn't seen me in over a week.  I am the person who creeps into bed in the middle of night.  I am the person who feeds him and changes him in the shadows and then I am gone.  I am becoming an absentee father even though we 'live' in the same house.

My marriage has become random phone conversations. Am I becoming a husband just in name? 
How does one find the necessary balance?
There was a time when, as a man, one's role was merely to provide.  Those days are long gone and there is a need to truly be a part of one's family's life, as opposed to an occasional visitor - I've discovered I miss the waking up for nappy changes and feeds. It is easier than this (and perhaps more fulfilling?). 

How does one find the necessary balance?

In this driven, fast-paced world, we often need to drive ourselves hard to ensure that we can create the necessary foundation to allow ourselves the opportunity to enjoy our lives, with our families. But what if time passes us by and when we finally create that foundation, it is too late.
How does one find the necessary balance?
More question than thought.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have also thought my life is one battle, to balance. I used to literaly cry when things didn't come together simultaneously. Reality:It's a never ending battle. But it also allows you to realise you are " Human". what keeps me grounded, is not sacrificing the things that the most to me, my relationship with Lord.